Writing has been weighing heavily on my mind these past few days. And not just because it’s the start of a new year. If anything, I would delay blogging around New Years. It’s far too cliche for my liking. But who am I to deny destiny when it demands that I sit down and pound away at the keys.
Thank goodness for the 1Password app, because I honestly forgot my WordPress login info. Then there were 24 updates to install on my dashboard. I finally get to the page that lists my posts and realize it’s been nearly 3 months since I’ve last published a post. There are several drafts that never really got off the ground, but it has been far too long since I’ve last broadcast my thoughts to the world.
I still don’t know where to start or where I’m going. Which is hard. Really hard. I start to think to myself, “What’s the point in writing, if I have nothing to write about?” Then I realize that there’s a big difference between not knowing where to start and not having anything to write about. Duh, Brittany.
After scrolling through the website, it looks like my *most recent* posts were about my hip. So I figure that might be a good place to start.
I’m going to be short and to the point on this one (for a change). I feel like I’ve wasted enough of my precious time on this blasted hip of mine. Bottom line: I had a “super special MRI” (which is what they ACTUALLY call it, by the way…dGemric scan if you want to get all technical) and it basically showed that I have crappy cartilage in there. Too crappy to do preventative surgery, but not crappy enough to need a hip replacement. I have a good 5-10 years before that’s necessary. Wait WHAT?!?! That’s right. I am 29 years old and will probably need a hip replacement in 5-10 years.
The treatment plan? “Loose weight and do physical therapy.” Like word-for-word out of the mouth of this super-special-specialist. Excellent advice for a patient who is in recovery for an eating disorder and who has been doing physical therapy for 3 years. His other piece of advice basically went something like this: “It looks like you might have re-torn your labrum, which wouldn’t be surprising. Just keep going until it hurts super bad, then have a hip scope to clean things up. Repeat this process until it’s bad enough to have a hip replacement. Then see me for a hip replacement, which will probably need to be repeated at least twice in your lifetime.”
Needless to say, I went through various stages of anger, ambivalence, rage, self-pity, contemplation of the meaning of life, and just plain being pissed off.
Where am I now? Well I guess that’s a good place to start, now isn’t it?
I’m not doing PT anymore. I talked to Rick (my physical therapist) and he told me that there really isn’t anything I can do that would make things worse. After the rapid cycling of emotions eased up, I realized that everyone is right; this one is up to me. It’s all about what I can tolerate and what I want out of life. Now how is that for a reality check?
I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past several months and what I’ve decided is this: I desire to pursue wellness. It sounds simple and obvious and basically anything but earth-shattering. But think about it. In what ways do your daily actions move you toward a state of wellness? Some people are better at it than others. Me? I suck at it.
I have a lot of free time now that I’m not running to physical therapy and appointments with random hip specialists. I’ve also had some genetic testing done that reveals that I have a genetic predisposition to increased pain sensitivity. In addition, my body metabolizes most pain medications very rapidly, which means that they have a minimal effect on my pain level. I also test positive for hypermobility on the 9 point Beighton Scale.
Blah blah blah. The bottom line is that I am blessed to have a very comprehensive understanding of my body. I might not “like” what it is that I understand, but I’m blessed to have the understanding regardless. It’s what I do with the information that is up to me.
My stance? I’ve got nothing to loose. Not in an “I’m going to abuse my body because I’m already screwed” kind of a way. Although I’d be lying if I told you that hasn’t crossed my mind more than once. But my outlook is more of an… “I’m going to do what he said. I’m going to do the things I want to do (within reason) until I can’t do them comfortably anymore, at which point I’ll pay Dr. Ochiai another visit and we’ll schedule a hip scope. And I’ll just keep doing the next right thing. And I’ll have an open mind about what ‘right’ looks like in my life.”
I’m working out again. 3 years of physical therapy have taught me a lot about what exercises are safe and which ones I should be more conservative on. So I’m taking things slowly and not introducing too much at once. That sounds simple, but it’s actually really hard for me. I want to jump in with both feet and I’ll even throw in both arms and maybe a shoulder. But I know that’s just going to land me back in a place where I can’t do anything at all. And something…even if that something is little…something is better than nothing. I just have to remind myself of that. Daily. Sometimes hourly, honestly.
Essential oils are also playing a major role in my journey towards wellness. I can’t reverse the damage that has been done to my body. Some of the damage I’ve inflicted on myself and some of it…well…we may never really know what caused it. So although I can’t reverse the damage, I can begin to restore and maintain optimal wellness. But that’s a story for another day.
So I guess this did turn out to be your typical New Years post…how 2016 is going to be different from 2015 and every year before. How I’m going to go to the gym and become a health nut. Gosh I hate that garbage. It almost makes me want to delete the whole thing. But I hope you can catch a glimpse at the deeper meaning here. My journey to wellness? It doesn’t involve changing my body. It’s about accepting and helping my body. Which–for any person fighting for eating disorder recovery…or even most people in general–is mind-blowing.