I’d like to say I’m sorry.
But not to you.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’m sorry this page has collected dust. I’m sorry I haven’t updated my plug-ins for a month.
I’m sorry I haven’t been around.
I got swept up in another whirlwind. My dreams are just so big. Sometimes I get lost in them.
Last fall I started writing for a freelance agency. I did a few pieces, then didn’t really hear from them until recently. Then the work started flooding in. I was excited.
Perhaps too excited.
I kept saying yes. I was afraid that if I said no, they wouldn’t give me future assignments.
Until I realized that the work was flooding in because…well…they liked my work. They need quality content. I write quality content. So they keep offering me gigs.
Fear gave way to the realization that I now had power. I got to decide which gigs I took and which gigs I passed over. The ball was in my court.
So I said no.
Flattery tends to get us in trouble. As humans, we crave the words, “I need you.” We are so easily manipulated through compliments and admiration. I’m just as guilty as the next guy.
We sacrifice what we love to do that which brings us glory. We loose sight of the big picture. We become dissatisfied. Restless.
You know, if ever there was a word that I would use to describe the overall theme of my life, it would be the word restless.
At times, I feel pursued by restlessness.
A lot of people will make accusations when you tell them you’re restless. “Oh, you’re restless because you are not fulfilling God’s purpose for your life.” “You will not be satisfied and content until you are in God’s will.” Don’t pretend you haven’t heard it. Or even said it.
I don’t like that. That makes restlessness a bad thing. And–although it sometimes drives me crazy–I don’t think restlessness is all that bad.
Yes, there are times in my life when I am restless because I am not seeking God’s will for my life.
But I don’t think that stillness brings contentment. I don’t think we’re supposed to be satisfied.
I like that restlessness pursues me. It challenges me to constantly evaluate my life.
Am I happy? Are there things I’m doing that I don’t want to be doing? Are there things I’m not doing that I would like to be doing? How are my relationships? Am I the mother I want to be? Does my work bring me fulfillment? Do I feel that my life has purpose?
Being restless usually means it’s time to start asking myself some of these questions. The answers can be yes and they can also be no. There is no right or wrong. There’s simply insight. What I do with the insight I gain through my restlessness is really up to me.
Sometimes I’m ok to sit with it.
Sometimes I feel a sense of urgency; a need to make an immediate change.
Sometimes I simply find myself nudged into exploration.
There are times that my restlessness torments me. “Why can’t I just enjoy this moment and be satisfied????”
But then I stop. I take a step back. I look around.
In just the last 12 months alone, where would I be had I not experienced restlessness? I would not have found:
- A new church to call home
- A new job
- New friendships
- A new car
- A path to healing for my hip injury
- Recovery from my eating disorder and depression
- Renewed relationships with family members
- My blog
- Freelance writing opportunities
- A date
- …I could go on and on
And that’s just from 1 year of restlessness. There have been brief periods when I’ve been “content” (which in this scenario is simply the opposite of restless). But the majority of this time has been spent in a state of restlessness.
Restlessness breeds productivity, satisfaction, joy, and growth. It enriches my life.
I get comfortable too easily. I need to be nudged.
So instead of asking for God to lead me out of my restlessness and into His will, I ask this: