Several things within the last hour have struck me as noteworthy:
First of all, I’m sitting here at my computer at 11:30 at night and I realize that I really have not been to the bathroom since 11:30 this morning. This tells you something. I am so busy right now that I actually forget to go to the bathroom.
Secondly, after the store was closed the 3 of us were still furiously cleaning for half an hour. I had the trash bag full of expired pastries on the floor and I look over and one of my coworkers is crouched down eating pastries out of it. He looks up at me with sad eyes and says, “This is not filling the void in my heart. Is this what it has come to???” We’re laughing hilariously, but something about the whole situation rings true.
Is this what it has come to?
I don’t know. I mean, it’s late. I should probably go to bed. I have to be back at work in less than 8 hours. So I limited myself to one chocolate chip cookie. I even microwaved it so it was kind of gooey. Microwaving things always makes them taste better.
But despite the fact that I am indeed receiving some sort of comfort in a nuked chocolate chip cookie, the fact is that I will soon go to bed, get some rest, then wake up early enough to renew my mind a bit before heading into work again. Even though I may rather come down with a severe case of the bubonic plague. Because I refuse to be the one eating expired food out of a trash bag. I’ve been there before. It’s not funny. It’s depressing. And that is NOT what it has come to.
I knew this week would be a hard one. I knew that the heart preparation required for giving my testimony on Saturday would leave my physical body and mind vulnerable to attack all week. I knew that when I agreed to speak. So I’ve been praying and I know that I am being prayed over. I know that I am covered in prayer and that God is my strength in my moments of weakness.
It’s easy to get caught up in the madness of the last few hours. It’s easy to forget about the feeling I had in the car. I left the college just before 1:30 to stop at my house to change and be at work by 2. I clearly did not have much down time. But as I was listening to Kari Jobe while driving, I felt a wave of God’s presence in my car. He was there, siting in the passenger’s seat. I realized that His hand has been on every detail of the last several days. That only He could have orchestrated things to come together as they are.
There’s a lot at stake. But I have to trust in Him. Because I wouldn’t have even realized what was at stake if He hadn’t been whispering into other people’s ears. If He hadn’t put my face in people’s hearts. If He hadn’t planted my name as a seed in people’s minds.
His hand is in it all. So I’ll snag my chocolate chip cookie BEFORE it goes in the trashcan. I’ll savor a moment and then I’ll hit the rack. He’s gotten me further than I’ve ever gotten myself, so I think I’ll leave the future to Him. I’ll just accept tomorrow as a day to scrub the floors, bathe in bleach, and study. And we’ll just go from there.