Raw. Naked. Vulnerable. This is how I feel.
Stretched to the max. Out of my comfort zone. At the breaking point. This is where I am.
Crying. Laughing. Straining. This is what I do.
In the past, I’ve written posts that draw the parallels between the lives of humans and rose bushes; I strongly believe that we must be pruned before we can grow. I know that our lives have seasons, but what I’m experiencing is more.
Right now I feel like a tree. I am stripped of all that flourishes. The things that made me beautiful, that rustled in the wind, that provided a place of refuge for others, that protected me…my leaves have fallen. I can hear them crinkle beneath boots. While they no longer clothe me in brilliance, they provide joy for others as they jump into colorful piles of my former radiance with both feet.
I stand bare before the world. Vulnerable to nature and the storms that threaten to overwhelm me, but strong nonetheless. For my roots go deep and are nurtured in rich soil. My vulnerability reveals the strength of the solid ground on which I stand. It is good.
This feeling, place, and process is not without meaning. With my leaves stripped away, I am free to see myself as I am. Not as who I’ve imagined myself to be and not who I aspire to be in the future. I see myself in the present. Whole. I make no judgement, but accept myself for who and where I am. Now.
And that’s when God begins to work. Just as a tree must shed its leaves to give way to new life, so must I let go of defining characteristics to embrace my future. God cannot bless us with newness until we have let go of the old. We must be willing to sacrifice the beautiful in faith; trusting that the best is yet to come.
I am bursting. While there are losses to mourn, the brightness of the future overwhelms me. I am astonished at the blessings that are being bestowed upon me in my present condition. In the past, this “raw” feeling would have destroyed me. I would have been imprisoned by fear.
This week I’ve had several people ask me what has changed. What allows me to function in these simultaneously joyful and sorrowful times? That’s simple: I’ve been set free. I am no longer a captive of hopelessness. The veil of darkness has been torn. I’ve broken through the lies and I’ve seen the truth. I still struggle. I’m human, imperfect, and flawed. But I struggle well.
The leaves on the trees turn lovely shades of red, orange, and yellow. They fall to the ground. And I’m reminded that we exist in a state of constant change. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s painful at times, but I have no desire to stay as I am. And the future is brilliant. Transitions are scary and unsettling to say the least, but the tree doesn’t die when it looses its leaves. It lets the leaves fall because it knows there’s newness in store.
God continues to strip away the comfortable to lead me into a greater story.
What does fall mean to you?
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photo credit: Bert Kaufmann via photopin cc
Shelly says
This is perhaps the most beautifully written post I’ve read, ever.
Like you, I see so many parallels between nature and ourselves. I tend to think in metaphors most of the time :)
Thank you for sharing such a raw part of yourself. I whole-heartedly believe that pain is a two-sided coin, with joy being on the other side. It’s an opportunity for gratitude and connecting deeply with others in a way only possible in that kind of space.
Best to you!
Shelly recently posted…The 1990’s: Z Snaps and Doc Martens
Sheryl says
Such a beautiful post. Our lives do go along the seasons and I love how you mentioned that others loved crunching in your fallen leaves as you stand vulnerable. In the past I have not been a fan of fall as it meant endings to me and preparation for the cold winter. Through my own journey, I am now viewing how necessary it is to be pruned and prepared for the next step in our journey. I feel like this comment is rambling so I will end with saying how well written it is. Thanks for sharing.
Sheryl recently posted…Moo-less Chocolate Mousse
Mrs. AOK says
Just. beautiful. I clung to every single word because sometimes, I too feel like a tree. It’s good to be a tree, we’re planted and strong, watchful and providers, loved and needed.
We can be happy trees, together :)
XOXO
Mrs. AOK recently posted…Dollar Tree Pumpkin Redo
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says
What a beautifully written post.
I’ve had those seasons of being stripped bare. I am forever thankful for an almighty God who loves me, comforts me and lifts me up out of sorrow.
I often liken my life to the word “becoming”. I am becoming the person God wants me to be… it will take a lifetime for me to get there.
Thank you for sharing and for pouring out such beautiful, touching words.
xoxo
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom recently posted…SHINE Blog Hop #21
Brittany says
Jennifer, thank you for your kindness! It’s always encouraging to know we’re not alone. I love what you said about the word “becoming.” When I was younger, the realization that I would never “arrive” was a reality check. We’ll never “arrive” this side of eternity, but we’re kind of set free once we decide to embrace it. This was a hard to post to write because I have some totally awesome things and some rather difficult things going on right now. Things are actually going really well overall, but everything is just so…intense…it’s exhausting. I have no energy to pretend or disguise. I’m the raw and real Brittany. Terrifying yet freeing. This state of being is so difficult to explain, but my hope is that others can relate to my words in some small way. Thanks for leaving some encouraging comment love :)
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says
This was such a beautiful post. I’ll pray for you in this time Brittany.
Thank you for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).
Wishing you a lovely day.
xoxo
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom recently posted…Body, Mind, and Soul: October 2014
Anna berry says
Loved this, especially as an avid keeper and pruner of roses. When you over prune and think you’ve gone too far and that all hope for the ‘barren looking twig’ is lost- and then spring comes and the bush bounces back more than you dared to expect.
I’ve only just started reading your blog but I found this post very interesting. Life is so full of seemingly pointless details and trivialities, it can feel so maddening to have to even deal with with them. I find that, a lot of thought regarding ‘waiting’ on God reads often as little more than lip service. I have found the hardest thing about faith is the acceptance that Faith is a Rest, not a struggle. The resting in hope and belief of deliverance when all your soul wants to do is beg and whine go over it again and again is a discipline and that is, I think, the step over from milk to meat in terms of spirituality. I don’t know what issues you’ve been having but I love that you’re posting about a reality many of us face.
Anna berry recently posted…Real Techniques – a Real Rip Off
Brittany says
Thank you so much for reading and commenting; I can’t put into words how much this comment means to me! I love how you said that faith is a rest, not a struggle. I spent much of my life struggling rather than resting in faith. I still slip into the habit from time to time, but I’m growing in my ability to quickly recognize my misstep. It’s just another opportunity to learn and bring more depth to my faith over time. Thank you for your insight and for taking the time to read this post :)
Stacey says
Oh my stars! So well said-you are truly a work of God.
Brittany says
You’re too sweet :) It also helps that I have awesome parents. Thanks for visiting and commenting!